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Oh, my car's in the drive. I wasn't expecting that.

Craig

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Spirit levels are for amateurs

Scrapheap Challenge

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So if you're a regular listener to this show, firstly thank you. Secondly, what's wrong with you? Go and see a specialist.

The Matt Edmonson Show, BBC Radio 1

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Damn you, Angry Birds. I just missed my stop.

Risks digest volume 26 issue 66: original quote overheard on Blacksburg Transit

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INTRUDERS!
Nope.
FALSE ALARM!

Order of the Stick, #768

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The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it.

Chinese proverb

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Incoming fire has right of way

Unknown

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Please do not adjust your set. Normal service may not resume for some time.

BBC News, on the UK 2010 coalition government

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My choices also didn't include which nostril you want a fire extinguisher poked in, so I believe it would be best if we limited our options to the first two.

Florence, Freefall #1881

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Laptop webcam gets turned on remotely
I think you just lost your element of surprise, sir

Forensics officer to DCI Barnaby, Midsomer Murders

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"Your vocal modulations deviated by 0.30 deci-Hertz. I can assist you with that as well"
"Really? Holodeck 2, tomorrow, 1600 hours. Just you, me… and a tuning fork"

Seven of Nine and the Doctor, Star Wars Voyager: Equinox

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Because despite what we know they're made up of, what they really are is a tiny box with the entire world inside.

[info]the_s_guy on 3G modems

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So what's in there?
Do you know what a MacGuffin is?
No.
It's one of 'em.

Sergeant Troy and Inspector Barnaby, Midsomer Murders 11x05 Days of Misrule

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My Chief Rabbit has told me to defend this run and until he says otherwise I shall stay here

Bigwig, Watership Down

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You told me once to start by impressing you, General. I hope I have.

Bigwig, Watership Down

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You will find that I will only truly have left this school when none here are loyal to me.

Albus Dumbledore, the Harry Potter books.

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Unfortunate.

Raven, usually when a warrior has lost a life.

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Time is not on your side, my fellow warriors.

Raven

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Any more tickets or excuses from Truro please

A guard on the Cornish Riviera train

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Good afternoon sir, how's your swimming?

The Captain of the Falmouth to St Mawes ferry, trying to approach the pier at low spring tide.

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"I've been had. General, I request permission to jump from an upper-story balcony, to ease my shame."
"Granted."

Janson and Wedge, Star Wars X-Wing 9: Starfighters of Adumar

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"Sithspit! What's that?"
"That's the sun, Wedge. It's after dawn."
"Well it offends me. Turn it off."

Wedge and Janson, Star Wars X-Wing 9: Starfighters of Adumar

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Well chaps, we've missed the boat home. We'll have to walk.

Lt. Colonel A C Newman, VC, during Operation Chariot.

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The Civil Service does not do jokes

Tom O'Leary, National Archives

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"You know, Foley, I only have one eye — I have the right to be blind sometimes"
Nelson holds telescope up to his other eye
"I really do not see the signal!"

Lord Horatio Nelson, at the Battle of Copenhagen

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Judge: Fool! No weapon forged can defeat me!
Buffy: That was then. [takes out the rocket launcher] This is now.
Drusilla and Angel run for cover as the Judge looks blankly.
Judge: What's that do?

Innocence, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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Bad people are punished by society's law, good people are punished by Murphy's law.

Dead Like Me, pilot episode

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Major Marks, please make that ship go away.

Caldwell, Stargate Atlantis

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"You smite them?"
"Oh yeah. We smite them. With extreme prejudice"

Demons, episode 1

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On two occasions I have been asked, 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.

Charles Babbage

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CCTV shows a hooded man loading a van
Bad news is that numberplate is bogus. We checked. But there's good news.
Man closes van door. Fake numberplate falls off, revealing real numberplate
That one isn't.

Taggart

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Make a wish, it might come true.

Linux fortune

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"You sunk my bandit!"

Stratn, on battleships as applied to roleplaying, #jj2paranoia

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Pants!

an insult from the Angry Scots soundbank, Worms World Party

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"Take you to Haas? And if I say no?" "Gun." "You make a convincing arguement."

Miracle of Science webcomic

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"Uhhh... Beep, click! That does not compute!" "Don't play non-sentient with me, buddy. You were talking to yourself when I walked up. Only intelligent robots do that." "Damn."

Miracle of Science webcomic

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I'm with the Vorstellen Police, and before you do or say anything you might regret. I direct your attention to the badge and the gun.

Ben Prester, Miracle of Science webcomic

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Split my infinitives!

Hook, from Peter Pan

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Wendy: Oh, how sweet... Are mermaids not sweet?
Peter: They'll sweetly drown you if you get too close.

On mermaids, from Peter Pan

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Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.
Ripping! Killing! Killing! Choking! Lawyers! Dentists! Pus! Uh, children's blood. Puppies' blood. Disease! Scabs! Kittens dashed on spikes! No! White death! Black death! Any death!
A nice cup of tea!

Hook, trying to think happy thoughts

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Sirs! My brother and I are English gentlemen. English gentlemen do not beg!
... Please, please, don't kill me!

from Peter Pan

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Slightly: Dead... awful.
Curly: Tragic.

Nibs: Good shot, though.

from Peter Pan, just after shooting the "Wendy bird"

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'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe
All mimsy were the borogroves
And the mome raths outgrabe

Jabberwocky

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Naaaarg.

Craig, on discovering a bug in his PHP

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Euphemism of the week: "Vehicle Thermal Event". Read in the MISRA safety guidelines, and inferred as an engine-bay fire from context.

Dan

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Lie mode. Of course this will work.

Kryten, Red Dwarf

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Abdujabadaduh!
[translation: that was neither expected nor pleasant]

My sister, playing Smash Bros

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Run! Other way!

Me to my sister, when playing Smash Bros after just placing a land mine.

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Dial up, dial up?
You were lucky, when I was a lad we never had dial up, we didn't even have tins with pieces of string. We communicated by hitting a dinosaur several times with a club, and the roars emitted were decoded at the receiving end by another dinosaur that was fluent in English. When we had finally flogged all the dinosaurs to death, we had to shout to each other from mountain tops, that was until we all got laryngitis, and we didn't even know what laryngitis was.

Harry Stottle, in virginmedia.discussion.broadband

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No, I'm ambimousetrous.

Dan, on handedness of meeces

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Adama: What do you hear?
Starbuck: Nothing but the rain.
Adama: Then grab your gun and bring in the cat.
Starbuck: Boom boom boom!

Commander Adama to Starbuck, Battlestar Galactica

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Okay. Next crisis.

President Roslin, Battlestar Galactica

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A man takes responsibility for his actions, right or wrong. He accepts the consequences and lives with them. Every day.

Commander Adama, Battlestar Galactica

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Isn't that, like, slightly illegal?
Yep
Good, we like slightly illegal!

The Damo & Ace Show, Juice 107.2

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Pessimist: It can't get any worse.
Optimist: It can! It can!

David Gersic, in the Monastery

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There's more than one way to skin a cat, of course. I've already got the super-deluxe cat-skinner with optional corkscrew attachment and first aid kit. You really don't want to know what the corkscrew is for, but the first aid kit is used afterwards.

Peter Corlett, in the Monastery

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Dr Spock's Baby Care is a best-selling owner's manual for the most complicated 'product' imaginable -- and it only has two levels of headings. You people have 8 levels of hierarchy and I haven't even stopped counting yet. No wonder you think it's complicated.

Unknown

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If you hold your breath while your webpage is loading and you pass out, then maybe it's taken too long

Multimedia Design and Applications lecturer

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I have a Beyblade!

Will, playing Twilight Princess

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Is a Philip Glass concert half-empty, or half-full

Tony Robinson, presenting Classic FM

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hmm, norton just popped up with "scanning borris.zip"... my computer bothers me at times...

Craig

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You have no chance to survive, make your humbug

Dan, on the presence of a Christmas Tree on campus

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All aboard the Orient Express

The conductor on a train from Brighton to Seaford

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...can't sleep. Future will eat me.

The penultimate strip, Queen of Wands

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You know, I know jumping into that vat of sulfuric acid would hurt, but I'm going to dive in anyway, just to see how much it would hurt.

milestogo13 @ LiveJournal

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Do the words skating, thin and ice mean anything to you?

Harry, Spooks

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Politicians are a lot like diapers, they should be changed frequently and for the same reasons

Man of the Year

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I choose you, screwp-a-chu!

Dan, on being offered a selection of screwdrivers

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Things are a lot more interesting when you find a penguin next to a pair of hiking boots

Craig, on discovering chocolate in an unusual place

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It's a lot more fun when you're misquoted

Me, on misquoting the above quote

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I shall follow my original philosophy that the floor is more comfortable than the chair

Craig

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Wash: This landing is gonna get pretty interesting.
Mal: Define "interesting".
Wash: Oh God, oh God, we're all going to die?

Wash to Mal, Serenity

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I am a leaf on the wind - watch how I soar

Wash, Serenity

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The flow of time is always cruel... Its speed seems different for each person, but no one can change it... A thing that doesn't change with time is a memory of younger days...

Sheik, Ocarina of Time

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My computer's rubbish; it's really slow all the time.
Maybe it has a virus, what firewall program do you use? Norton...?
I don't bother with those.

One of my sister's friends, on firewall usage or lack thereof

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Now, the [Visualizer] section is undocumented, and there's a comment at the top of the section that says DO NOT MODIFY. For those of you who are new to Windows programming, that means "edit at will."

the authour of VirtualDub

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*wonders why the arrow on the screen isnt moving when i scroll*
*swats fly*

Craig

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Poster 1: http://192.168.0.xxx:8080/usenet/JXAFP289.JPG
Poster 2: *BLAM*
Poster 3: Whatever for? That link worked fine for me.

from The Monastery

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I'll be good, I'll be good.
Or God, as said the typo. I like that idea better.

pewterfish, when threatened with an install of Lotus Notes

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I...
I shall consume.
Consume...
Consume everything.

the Moon, Majora's Mask

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Your tailgating cannot intimidate my cruise control

Bumper sticker

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Being connected without using a firewall is like having unprotected sex with every single person on the Internet. At once.

holysaiyan1 @ LiveWire

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But...I...I made a promise to Saria... If Link came back, I would be sure to tell him that Saria had been waiting for him... Because Saria...really... liked...
Hey, you. If you see him somewhere, please let him know... And also...
I'm sorry for being mean to him.
Tell him that, too.

Mido, Ocarina of Time

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I APPRECIATE YOU!

Beedle, The Wind Waker

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The right thing.. what is it? I wonder, if you do the right thing, does it really make everyone happy?

Child on the Moon, Majora's Mask

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Creative brains are a valuable, limited resource. They shouldn't be wasted on re-inventing the wheel when there are so many fascinating new problems waiting out there.

Eric Steven Raymond

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i thought that said pornography when i first read it....

Craig, misreading "photography"

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I don't have electricity...the computer is powered by 400 potatoes inter-locked in a curcit.

Michael @ Jazz2online

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Fall down seven times, stand up eight

Japanese proverb

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A friend will call you in jail. A good friend will visit you in jail. A best friend will be sitting next to you in jail going, 'That was awsome!'

Anon

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Where's the road gone?

Craig, driving across the Downs at night

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We're all going to work together as a team. And that means you do everything I say.

Charlie Crocker, The Italian Job

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You'll be sorry...

Linux fortune

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Say cheeseburger!

Me, attempting to get a good photo of Craig

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...is there a microphone on? *pop* Hello? Hello? *pop*

the same lecturer, discovering that the microphone was in fact off

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Oh, there must be a microphone on, I don't like that. *pop*

a lecturer here at university

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Ah, balls

Craig, on discovering yet another bug in his SQL

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Now that's just silly. I mean, who uses base 2 when base 3 is so much more flexible? True/False/Maybe, now *that's* what I call logic.

Me

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